It’s not that I am enjoying this pandemic. That’s not it. The lives lost. The economic loss. There is a hard road ahead of us as the world heals it’s immunity, economies and communities.
In a strange way I am grateful for this pandemic. I know we’re are all suffering in our own ways and it’s testing humankind. It’s testing our limits, our kindness, our sanity, everything…
Some of us were struggling bad though before this pandemic hit.
Some people who have been stuck in such a deep dark hole for an indefinite amount of time and perhaps no one really noticed. Or if you’re anything like me, hell may freeze over by the time anyone sees you admit you’re struggling.
Maybe there are people out there faking smiles and gritting their teeth through some of the most immense pain they’ve been through just so that anyone watching doesn’t think they’ve won or any onlookers who were struggling as well would see strength in adversity and be able to carry on in their own struggles seeing your immense strength.
I’ve learned some of the hardest lessons of my life in the last couple years. Some of the biggest slaps in the face and heartache has come in just the last 8 months.
Learning that you had absolutely zero positive impact on someone even after nearly two decades of exposure to your unconditional love and undying support.
That would somehow be translated into something negative and you’d become enemy number one. Become painted as a villain and evil person.
Everything you’ve sacrificed, your sanity, education, body, health, mental aptitude…was for nothing and even more, given the opportunity to do right by you, they’d choose to inflict as much pain on you as they could out of pure spite, anger and feelings of abandonment.
Your child…a mere pawn and collateral damage in the quest to “make you pay” for walking away from a situation that was lose/lose for you.
Simply put…you look at what you could/should/would have been had you chosen to invest as much in yourself as you have others but you can’t even fathom that thought because that picture wouldn’t include your most valued asset, your only baby. So you’re left feeling like a fool. Like the biggest idiot on the face of the earth.
Everyone else saw it. Hell…so did you but being a stubborn ass and not willing to quit because of what that may look like. That jarhead didn’t raise no quitter. But quitting saved my life.
These past 8 months have tested every fiber in my body and of my mind. It would be easy to let the events of life unfold before you and let your child believe that what they’ve seen or experienced be the truth.
I don’t shield her from what has happened entirely. I don’t want her to be disillusioned. I don’t make excuses for people and their behavior but I also do not let my child believe that behavior dictates who that person truly is. Call me naive but maybe the shock of abandonment is the culprit of the behaviors experienced. Maybe it is in fact, who they are. But as a mother I will never lead my child to believe anything except the former. She may begin to believe the latter but that will never be at my insistence or coaxing.
I didn’t have my dad growing up. I will never rob her of that opportunity. Hate me. Beat on me verbally. Spit venom and try to ruin the reputation I’ve worked so hard to build. Rationalize abandonment by saying I just wanted to be a whore. Kick me in the teeth every time the law sets you right. Commit multiple acts of fraud to shortchange your family. The ones who were there day in and day out while you created your career. Deny till the cows come home that we had anything to do with who you’ve become, on paper, for paper.
Even then…nothing…nada. Actions are open to interpretation but they beget behaviors. Behaviors repeated become patterns. Patterns become life and before you know it…life becomes an empty soul sucking abyss where no matter what you consume, material goods, food, alcohol or otherwise will never fill the void you feel from the loss of unconditional love lost.
THIS…this is what has consumed my thought process and psyche for the last 8+ months.
In the last 8 months you’ve seen me publicly launch a new global real estate company. Run national committee for global non-profits, close business deals, sell real estate, be Vice President and become president for my region of said global non-profit. Throw some epic industry events. You may have seen posts where I refer to caring for my dad through his shoulder and knee recovery. Being super mom and her #1 softball fan. I’ve done all that and then some with everything I described above hanging over my head, plaguing my heart, mind and soul.
So you see before this period of isolation for us all, I had been plagued with my own. It dawned on me today when I was going through my mail and filing for the last 8 months.
I came across all the Christmas cards that my amazing friends and family sent to J and I. I had stacked them in December not having the ability to process them. Yes it was my choice to end our family, based on some jacked up circumstances, but with every Christmas card addressed the Nicole & Jaiden was one that was addressed to “The Caballero Family” and while it wasn’t all bad, all the time, the ghosts of what no longer was or never would be haunted me. So I knew, when time came I would process them and the thoughts that may come from them.
Today, was that day. I am no longer bothered by Caballero Family title. There are plenty of salvageable memories there but what I am actually excited for is what could be.
I am very content in where I am these days. Rome wasn’t built overnight and I have been a work in progress since the day almost three years ago when I decided to change my life forever and do what was best for me and not everyone else.
I’ve been through hell in some semblance for nearly 20 years by someone I didn’t realize was kryptonite to my heart and soul. I don’t necessarily think either of us knew it, but once I knew for sure I had to walk away or that would have been the end of me.
Most importantly…I want to thank all of my amazing friends and family who thought of Jaiden and I during this past holiday season. We thank you for your patience while we have been figuring out our new normal and where we both fall in our new world. We’ve been through the ringer, but she’s a tough as nails and I’ll never quit on her or on us.
You all, have the ability to see the light at the end of the tunnel. The light may seem as big as a pinprick right now, but rest assured it will continue to grow in mass, until before you know it’s upon you, encompassing your entirety and burning the heck out of your eyes.
Stay the course. Keeps your wits. Laugh through the tears and know you’re not alone.
Gypsy Mogul Mama 