Alone

Wait…are you going to Maui alone? Who does that? Isn’t that sort of lonely?

Lonely. I’ve learned that lonely is a word that is entirely subjective. It’s merely a feeling…or choice.

I am no stranger to being and feeling alone.

Two separate things, being and feeling alone.

Being alone: constitutes the mere act of being by yourself. Lonely is a feeling. You can be alone and lonely. You can be alone and feel entirely fulfilled. You can be standing next to someone through a lifetime and feel completely alone and lonely.

I figured out the difference a few years ago when my global business took off and I had to start traveling across the U.S. alone. I had been on my own plenty of time before but I actually forgot for a great while that I was capable of being on my own…alone.

Growing up, I was an odd one. Different. Wasn’t quite aware that it wasn’t natural to live with your grandparents. My mom was a workaholic and I didn’t get much of her time seeing as I was so advanced and my sibling needed a lot more care and time. I spent a lot of time alone, only sometimes lonely.

I grew up a politician/community leaders granddaughter. Always in plain view. Keep your grace and smile. Never let them see you sweat. Never bring shame to your family. Walk that tightrope girl. Ours was a home that was frequented by law enforcement, politicians, community leaders…I grew up conversing and relating to adults. It made me less able to relate to other kids. I had friends but wasn’t a typical kid per se. I kept a level of solitude being labeled a “brain.” It wasn’t until I got older would the playing field be leveled and deeper friendships forged. An incredible socially selective butterfly is what I term myself. It’s one of the many dualities I have.

Loyal as fuck…but when pushed…a runner. Another duality. The next time I felt alone for the absolute best was when I opted to leave the mainland for college and move across the ocean to Hawaii. I was drowning. If I didn’t make a run for it, who in gods name would know what could have happened to me.

I was working full time 40+ hours between Starbucks, The Tutoring Club as well as had my own tutoring company. Somewhere in there I went to school full time. My boyfriend at that time was going to vocational school and felt he couldn’t work and concentrate on school so I worked for us both. Well… us both and his young brother we had taken the responsibility of.

I applied to school in Hawaii secretly. The day my acceptance letter came I told the boyfriend, he was on his own. I had to do this for me and I…ran. I didn’t look back.

I was alone…finally but strangely didn’t feel alone. I felt happy, fulfilled, independent.

As fate would have it, my grandfather would need my help and I didn’t get to finish school in Hawaii. I left the life I was utterly in love with and came home to be the dependable one. Old habits die hard. I ended up engaged, cohabiting and back to my old self destructive life. The one I had so desperately wanted to run from before. I convinced myself I was happy. I convinced myself I wasn’t lonely since I was with someone. I got so busy trying to be everything to everyone in my life that before I knew it, seven years passed. That time is a blur. Marriage, bought a house, lost the most important person in my life but gained a little earth angel, lost job, husband lost job, pulled every ounce of strength I had in my being, put my head down and hustled my ass off. 2015, after turning down a buy out of my company I looked up and took a breath and found myself incredibly lost…alone and lonely.

Let me be incredibly honest about something. I was ALONE those entire 7 years. Even with someone standing near me during that time. I just didn’t have the time or Luxury to feel lonely. When he lost his job he crumbled. Reduced to ash. FUCK-N-A…here I go again. Let me pick up all these damn pieces myself and put them back together again.

Never mind back on December 26 2008 my own heart shattered into a million pieces and my soul drifted away for a good 9 months. A few pieces were restored after Jaiden came into this world but I’d be lying if I didn’t say It wasn’t fully restored. After a loss like that you never quite go back to being the same, you just learn to adapt.

The day we had my grandpa’s services I went alone…lonely and lost as fuck but with a plastic smile plastered over pure devastation.

The politician was gone but the granddaughter still had a role to play.

My counterpart grew up in an abusive and toxic environment and he just doesn’t know how to support someone. I know that now. Then…it broke my heart even more. The ideals I held for a healthy marriage were already fractured, a whopping three months into marriage.

*SNAP*

Back to present day and over ten years later.

So much has happened, yet it feels like 18 years went by in the blink of an eye. I didnt always feel alone and lonely. For the important stuff…for the shit that mattered…I found I was always left on my own. I fought like hell for so many years, in so many situations…utterly alone.

My ex would joke and always call me a red nosed pitbull. He would joyfully watch me lock my jaw on something and fight until whatever it was, was rendered lifeless. I didnt have a flight response. It was ALL fight.

Bring physically present isn’t being a supporter. That’s being a spectator. Even makes you the sick fuck benefitting from the dog fight at some point. But companion? Nope. Not in the least.

He never once fought for me. Not…Once. I’ve racked my brain lately. Trying to find one instance. Just one that proved that he was in this as much as I was. Nope. Can’t find one. But then again, how could he ever fight for me. For the longest time he wasn’t even willing to fight for himself. A little under two years ago he started to fight…but solely for himself. J and I were on our own. Ego is a bitch…but only if you are.

When it came to the vanity of the relationship and the benefits he was there. When going got tough…the tough went it alone while the spectator pointed out where the strong stumbled and could do better.

Alone…lonely…became a way of life.

Almost two years ago I started traveling by myself for my business. At first it felt odd. Oh my god was I going to be looked at like a freak and judged for eating alone? Would something as social as having a meal be lonely?

No. On all levels no. Traveling alone became something I looked forward to. It beat being alone and lonely in someone’s presence. There is a sense of peace and even confidence I get from being lost in a crowd.

When I have a meal alone I can enjoy it. Not listening to impatience, judgements about those surrounding me, perpetual negativity. I fell in love with being alone again. Alone but far from lonely. There is an absolute confidence in being alone and being genuinely secure in that space.

I’ve said it a million times but I love being lost in the moment alone in New York. It’s my favorite thing to walk the streets alone any time of the day or night, lost in my playlist and just plain smiling and singing along like a fool. It’s empowering. I feel like I can move mountains and scale skyscrapers. I thought perhaps it’s easier to be secure in alone in a bustling place Like New York. It’s the truth. It is. However learning to be alone in a place pegged as a family or romantic destination takes a perspective check for sure.

Enter my trip to Maui last week, all alone. Maui, where we got married. Maui, where we’ve had so many family memories it’s hard to fathom ever enjoying it the same post war. Im glad I was wrong.

Everything in life is dependent on personal perspective. I know it sounds simple but it is just that simple. Emotions are what complicates our perspective. Easier to stay uncomplicated when your emotions are near non-existent. Trust me I’m not heartless, I’ve just been strung out for far too long to have not gained some realistic perspective.

On this trip, aside from business, the mission was to find my Maui again. The islands had been mine before I included him. I invited him into my world. A world that existed before him and will exist without him. That I know for sure.

Sitting at the highest point on the island, watching the sun rise through the clouds was restorative to my soul. It wasn’t just the sunrise. The entire journey was reflective of life up until now. The road up to the top was long, dark, shrouded with switchbacks and unanticipated road hazards. Had I not ran my ass to the summit, with less than ideal conditions of thin air and steep climbs I would have missed that moment that gave me solace of the sun peeking up over the clouds…a new day dawning. Reflective of the hope I felt for mine and J’s future. I had to pull the lead out, leave my excuses and make a run for it. I didn’t stop to think or settle. I ran my ass towards what I felt in needed and once I was seated, happily on my favorite rock, as the sun rose a part of me snap back Into place. Like…”oh there you are…we’ve missed you…welcome back.”

I was alone but far from lonely. I have my baby girl and my soul restored to the most complete level that it’s been since it was shattered nearly eleven years ago.

Being alone is good for us. It allows us time to reflect and keep our wits about us. Some people never find comfort in alone. Some need companionship like they need oxygen. There ain’t nothing wrong with that. We are all different creatures who need different things.

I am strong and content in alone. I am because I’ve learned to be. I’ve been alone at the hardest milestones in life. I’ve done life alone with someone standing near me. It’s exhausting. It’s elusive. It’s a cruel lie that I refuse to tell anymore. Do I want to be alone forever? No way. Who does? I am actually a super social person. I LOVE people. But I absolutely refuse to go through life alone & lonely with an anchor latched to my ankle and call it companionship because that is what is assumed.

My time is reserved for those who bring value. People who support me. People who hold a mirror to my face and lovingly call me out on my shit but don’t judge. People who will tell me the god honest truth. People who I could joke with one minute, have a deep conversation with the next and then sit comfortably with in complete silence. These are the people who make you feel fulfilled. I have spent 18 years of my life trying to translate my soul to someone who never saw me for who I was. True relationships exist when you don’t have to translate your soul and spend your life walking on eggshells.

I have a lot of these people in my life now. They’ve been there…just hidden and intentions manipulated by the anchor I have untethered myself from. Waiting patiently…and for that patience and grace I know I will never be alone and lonely in this life again. These are my people…and I love them dearly.